Two Wolves, One Mission: On Disenfranchised Grief and the Bossy Big Sister Energy
Photo by Darren Welsh on Unsplash
Inside me are two helpful parts: a compassionate, calm therapist who holds space and a Bossy Big Sister who wants to throat-punch anyone who minimizes someone’s pain. Both show up in my clinical work, especially when clients carry losses that our culture tends to ignore.
This essay explores disenfranchised grief - losses that aren’t publicly acknowledged or validated, like miscarriage, infertility, religious harm, unexpected postpartum struggles, or pregnancy loss. When grief isn’t recognized, people feel isolated, invalidated, and profoundly misunderstood. That’s where the Bossy Big Sister wants to ride in and demand respect; the therapist side wants to teach curiosity, boundary-setting, and practical ways to find support.
In this piece you’ll find:
What disenfranchised grief is and why it compounds suffering
Real examples (infertility, miscarriage, postpartum disconnection, abortion-related pain) and how they can be misunderstood by friends and family
How to respond compassionately when someone shares a hidden loss (what to say, what not to say)
Practical steps for the person grieving: how to find curious, nonjudgmental supports and when to set emotional boundaries
Ways allies can learn and lean in without making it worse
Read the rest of this essay on Substack!
Learn about my clinical approach and how I support people navigating disenfranchised grief on my About Me page.